Just what I needed to see

I started this long, insightful post at midnight last night. I became this angst ridden person writing about desires as deep as my sleep should have been. My computer quickly shut tight before that publish button was pressed in a hurry, leaving these daydreams seen through thousands of letters typed on the screen only with my eyes. Leaving it in a folder for me to return to once my head was clear of all the murkiness that hovered over me.

I wrote about how I was dreaming about all the things I could have had. I wrote about how I sometimes thought about how I would have been somewhere else in my life if I turned another direction, walked a different path. I wrote about the places I'd be, the things I'd have, the things that would have made me into that person I always wondered about. I titled it ' Everything that I am not'.

Then tonight, before I scurried over to my drafts folder, I saw this. 

So I let go, deleted my post and wrote this one.

And I feel much better for it.

Along the sidestreets

{ When you don't look, they come.

When you don't search to find, you see.

When you don't desperately want to know, you realise.

When you accept, you live. 

This is when ordinary moments become an indescribable memory.}

beautifully different

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

Beautifully different?

                   Me? Not sure.

I've never seen myself as different, sometimes I feel like I blend in with a crowd too much, 

sometimes I feel like I just ride the waves that come in my direction, 

simply walk the paths that I cross; merge with the routines people do to just survive. 

Perhaps listing it all down will pave my 

search for all the things that make me beautifully different.

So.....

•  I always cry when I'm angry. I always cry when I'm happy. So needless to say my emotions ALWAYS get the best of me.
• A small scar sits on the middle of the bridge of my nose, scars on my elbows, scars on my knees. See next topic for answer.
•  I am the queen of all klutzes. I was not meant to have toes seeing that I always hurt them, I was not meant to have feet to steady me on the ground as I always trip over them. There is not one day where there is no scratch or bruise on this body.
• My daydreams take me away more than they should.
• I really don't like being wrong and I'll fight for it until I know I'm right. But I'm also shy, so if I don't know you, sometimes I let the fight slide. Yes, I'm shy, but get to know me and the extrovert comes through.
• I give all that I am to those that I love,  sometimes too much.
• I like to peel my nailpolish, peel labels off anything, peel glue off my hands, peel melting wax off a candle, play with melting wax, and peel paint off surfaces.
• I can be very girly but a true tomboy at heart. 
• My teeth are crooked, my thighs are chunky and my legs are short. 
• I love to read but sometimes skip through words just to get through a chapter.
• And I love trashy novels. I really do. 
• I need to listen to music everyday. I need it to vibe with my daydreams. I need it to vibe with my realities.
•  I sing. But I don't share it. 
• I am a true and utter idealist no matter what I make myself believe. My optimism makes me fall hard sometimes.
• When I turned 30, I wanted to believe that I knew everything about myself.... there are still some blank spaces in this puzzle that need to be filled.

Beautifully different. I like it.

Maybe I really am beautifully different and I haven't realised the depth of it yet.

for #reverb10

art inspiration : zso a.k.a. sara blake

It's been awhile since I have posted an artist inspiration post. I just haven't found anything that I have liked recently, and I found that a lot of artists that I had been looking at all pretty much has the same illustrative style. But check this New York City illustrator's style....

It's vivid yet it boasts of soft and dreamy strokes, her freestyle drawings start off with pencil and paper then she messes around with digital airbrushing and enhancements. 

I love it. It's colourful, loud, and wonderfully detailed. Her portrait's emotions are exposed and open, mixed in perfectly with her abstracted details. 

And oh my, her typography. 

I wish I would post all her work up here but instead have a look at her page. 

You will get reeled right into her 'digital playground' and not want to leave.

.sucker for sun spots and sun flares.

 

sunshine beats through glass panes.

red flares dance through the heavy air.

bursts of light explode while shadows dance around.

 eyes close.

traces of light; white circles, dotting the blackness behind my lids .

                                                             the silence, it echoes.

                                          in my mind, in my head.

                                                              

    the light.  it glares.

the heat. it blazes.

a suntrap in my space. 

rlr.'10

           

.and the fingers found my paints.

Day twenty four.
Behind on the photography and this is why.

Life should be about spontaneity.
It should be about not having to think and ponder about things too much.
Thoughts turn into worries and then worries turn into doubts.
Empty canvases have been sitting in the spare room for months.
And for months I have tried to convince myself that they needed to be filled.
And for months I have doubted my ideas.
Then in one moment, I felt the urge. No questions were asked, my brush just headed straight to this little piece of canvas paper.
Nothing with hidden meanings, no secret depth of reasoning in the process. Just my pencil, paints and paper.

Simplicity. Black and white.

An emotional abstraction where perhaps it is only I who can feel the emotions within the strokes, but nevertheless, it is a piece of me. A piece of me I am unbelieveably sharing freely, another layer that I seem to be unravelling.

Now I believe that my tendency to overthink prevents my ability to create, 
and perhaps simplicity (and courage) is all I have ever needed.