you are five today

Dear Cameron, 

You are five today. 

The big FIVE.

You woke up this morning by my side and as I started singing happy birthday, you looked confused and asked me why your voice was still the same as when you were four. You ran into my bed and asked Daddy why you hadn't grown overnight because you were the same size as you were when you were four. As if all of a sudden, after one sleep, you thought you would grow bigger because you turned five. Well, my boy, it is as if I closed my eyes after one long sleep and found you as this big five year old. As if you grew overnight, when I wasn't watching, like a time lapse capture highlighting critical moments in double speed. But I have been watching. You must know that I have been doing that. 

☆ I love that you are way beyond your years. I often wonder what goes through that clever mind of yours. I can see how fast your thoughts move, sometimes your words have a hard time catching up with your thoughts. 

☆ I love that you are caring and loving. You look after your sister and you always make sure she is safe. There are moments you argue with her, not realising how small she really is but you love with all your heart and it's amazing to see. I hope you always treat her with as much love. 

☆ I love that you correct me when I'm wrong. And boy, you love doing so. You also love being right. At five, you are confident in your doings. 

☆ I love that you read so well. You sometimes pretend to be too tired to read but it doesn't take much for your love for books to outweighs your exhaustion.

☆ I love that you have memorised words to the rock songs that Daddy is teaching you. There are not many five year olds I know who sing along to these songs word for word. It shows that you pay attention even if I think you are not. 

☆ I love that you talk so much. Yes, sometimes, I tell you to slow down. Sometimes I ask you to stop. But never stop, my boy, because your consistent chatter shows me that your intelligence is constantly developing. 

☆ I love that you are an observer. You watch people and you scope out the situation that you are surrounded in. You are aware and extremely cautious of your surroundings. 

☆ I still love the way you smell in the morning. I always wish for this smell to stay forever. I'm so happy that I still have this to hold onto.

☆ I love looking back at your baby pictures and remembering how you were. I love knowing that my memories of you grow all the time. Next year, I'll have another thousand pictures I can stare at. I will never tire of staring at you. 

☆ I love that you understand what secrets are. And I most especially love that you share yours with me. I hope you realise that you can always share your secrets with me. 

☆ I love how you run out of the front door and yell "Muuuummmmyyyyy" as I get home after a long day at work. My days are hard without you two but your happiness in welcoming me home always makes it better. I love how you are always excited to see us. 

☆ I love your craziness. Your silliness. Your grumpiness. Your happiness. 

☆ I love that I have this to write you every year. I love how some things are constant. But I also love how you are changing every year. Every day. Every minute. 

Another year. Another year of all this love I have for you.

Happy fifth, my big, big boy. 

you are four today

you are three today

you are two today

i'm ready.

1. I'm ready to play football again. I'm ready for an 8k run.

2. I'm ready for a spicy tuna salad, medium rare steak, peanut butter sandwiches, eggs benedict, foie gras and vodka tonics.

3. I'm ready to go out dancing with my friends in high heels and skinny jeans.

4. I'm ready for long evenings of good food, bottles of red wine, conversations and friends without feeling the need to fall asleep at the stroke of 10 pm. 

5. I'm ready for round two of nappies and breastmilk. 

6. I'm ready for those long nights. 

7. I'm ready to walk and not waddle.

8. I'm ready to wear my wedding ring again.

9. I'm ready to get pampered with a full body deep tissue massage, dye my hair and get highlights.

10. I'm ready to be me again. 

11. But most of all, I'm ready to meet my little girl. Ready to be a mother of two. Ready to become a   family of four.

 I'm so ready. 

Things i want to remember

He tells me everything is okay when he is told he can't have something. He likes to know that it's okay to not have something even if he really wants it. He knows humility. And he knows patience. 

He pulls my face with such force just to give me a butterfly and eskimo kisses.

He knows how to give love. He knows that his affection matters.

He seeks validation after discovering he has read a word perfectly. 

I want to remember our lunch dates. And our dinner dates too. 

I want to remember how his little feet stand perfectly next to mine. I can't believe they are over half of mine. 

His imagination is unimaginable, how he creates a world only he can understand.

I want to remember how his lower lip quivers when he gets upset, how his wet, long eyelashes enhance his big eyes. How he hides when he is embarrassed, how he doesn't like to show his emotions in front of other people but also how he is so transparent.

He loves to play his little blue guitar, he sings 'Yellow' word for word, and his eclectic taste in music has me listening to classical music on full blast on some mornings.

He has memorised the words to 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' and asks me to play it 20 times in one car ride and he bounces along to the beat as he sings along.

I want to remember his little fingers, his button nose, his little toes that are growing so quickly. 

He is so independent at just three years old, he likes to do things because he "can know how to do it".

I want to remember how I love him so much my heart overflows.

{inspired by Susannah Conway's Things I want to remember post}

a malapascuan holiday

Last week:

1. My toes were buried in the sand.

2. I sat trying to write as the sun baked on my skin but eventually stopped as 

my thoughts were left clouded and disturbed.

3. I found it hard to switch off and it left me frustrated.

4. I watched the little one swim in the ocean for the first time, watched how his hair lightened in the 

mid morning sunshine and marveled at the sound of his laughter as he chased the waves. 

 5. I only finished one book.

6. I cheated on the diet that I was supposed to stay on but that garlic rice was so worth it.

7. I was made to choose between a friend and a husband on drunken night that went wrong. 

I didn't like how small it made me feel.

8. Not a fan of conflict, especially on holiday.

 Life is too bloody short for shit like that.

9. I saw Nemo and lots of starfish as we spent one afternoon snorkelling. But also greeted that

 fear of being in the middle of the ocean in a little moment of panic.

10. Old friends + happy hour. Moments to remember.

11. I watched my son play with the local children, who touched his golden hair and 

gazed at his white skin.

12. ... At the same time watched these kids as their smiles lit their beautiful faces 

when they spotted the camera. I still can't get over how genuine their smiles were.

13. I flirted with the husband as we reminisced about our honeymoon in Jamaica and shared a smile 

when we realised this was our tenth year together.

14. I promised myself that this getaway needed to happen more often. 

Another three years till the next one is too long.

15. ... And further realised that the husband and I need to go away as a couple more 

than we think we do.

16. I let my contentment overpower my distracted mind, after all, with this as my backdrop,

 what kind of fool did I play myself out to be?  so eventually, I let it all slip away.

when the fire lanterns became stars in the black sky

This weekend:

... I was a bridesmaid.

... And at the same time ran front of house for Pi Catering.

... I watched the red sun set behinds my friends as they sealed their marriage with their kiss.

... I lit a fire lantern with Cameron and sent our wishes up into the blackness of the sky.

... I savored the ocean air and sat around a bonfire with some of my favourite people.

... I watched my little boy wonder at the sand on his feet

... And became proud as he found more courage to sink his little head under the water.

... I remembered some of the reasons I moved back to Manila.

... But am now even more convinced I belong by the ocean and not in the city.

...This weekend.... It was hard to let go.

it all boils down to my little pockets of peace

yesterday.

i watched my son as he rocked his drumset on stage, like a true rockstar.

i went on a date with my husband.

i watched him as his heart smiled, watched how his face left him free of worry.

i watched the sunshine beat down on our city after a crazy monsoon.

i put my feet up on the dashboard as we drove home.

i let my hands out the window and tried to catch the wind as it blew through my fingers.

i drank wine on the floor of my living room 

with my favourite aunt, her nephew and my husband. 

i drank till my lips were stained red.

yesterday.

i was happy.

Why hello, September.

 

... but August still continues takes my breath away....

1. August brought me three new contracts for my design company, two of which gave
    me handshakes that sealed the deal in just one day.

2. We now have another to begin concepts for.

3. It gave me a memorable last trip to LA for a long time, one that left me with butterflies
    in my tummy remembering the laughter we all shared  in just one night.

4. It let me see family that I hadn't seen in a few years, it allowed me to get to know a
    cousin I never properly knew before. I like that time allows you to do this.

5. It gave me an evening with girlfriends, with good food, good conversation and a
    chance to just be me.

6. I had the August Break, where I gave myself the goal to blog everyday. I don't see that I
    have failed this project, I see that it gave me a chance to aim for something and realise
    that not everything goes as planned and sometimes life just happens.

7. It gave this non-diva a champagne lunch with two wonderful divas in my life. Sometimes
    a girl just needs that end of the week surreal escape.

8. It allowed us a family Sunday afternoon in bed, where three of us did nothing at all with
    no guilt. This is not something that happens often.

9. August gave me hope again, simple hope that if you really believe that things will get
    better, they will. It's been awhile since I've pat myself on the back. Recently, I've had
    invisible bruises from all the beat downs I give myself.

10. .... and best of all, it allowed me to bid it goodbye in this place, where the silence
      was a little deafening for this urban girl but where the sun rays peeked through the palm
     trees in this humid tropical province, where the crickets sang loudly but a place where I
     saw a new beginning for this doubtful mind of mine.

I'm starting to believe that things are really looking up and that perhaps finally, my dreams
are coming true.

So, August, thank you. 

EDIT: 

A little curiosity found me reading back on last years August Break end and look at what I found. Funny how I found myself in the same place, at the same time of year, in a COMPLETELY different mind set.

What one year (and patience) can bring.

my july

 

ten little things that made me smile in the first

                                                             few weeks of july :

1. June Marieezy's soulful voice and soft beats + the fact that she's pure filipino.

2. Walking + house stalking + drinking beer by Hermosa Beach with one of my favourite people.
3. Sandwiches, Mint & Lemon Water +  fresh salad by Redondo Pier.
4. Spendng a whole day in Hong Kong with my little boy.
5. Slumber parties in my room with my two boys.
6. The first family Sunday together in over a month.
7. Blue skies + the smell of the ocean.
8. Being at my goddaughter's first birthday party and hearing about her first step.
9. Finding out that my dad surprised us with tickets to see  Cirque de Solei's Varekai. Saying I'm excited is an understatement.
10. Sushi. But that always makes me smile.

Two things that made me unhappy.
1. Saying goodbye to my best friend/ cousin as her and her family move to Portland.
2. Frank Provost salon who burnt + damaged my hair.

Thank goodness the good outweigh the bad.

 

ice cream and identical twins

 my weekend consisted of:

•   38 hours of travelling, which included spending most of it being curled up on an uncomfortable economy seat, sleeping on the airport seats in transit, eating horrible airplane food, people watching and missing my family
• Conversations with a stranger about his daughter, her craft and his grandchildren.
• Reese’s pieces
• Spending less than 24 hours with a good friend and her mum and finally meeting her twin sister.
• A Monday lunch by the pier where I nibbled on baked oysters + calamares as I smelled the salty ocean breeze.
• Hearing stories of the 70’s in the South California bay as I slurped on my chocolate dipped ice cream like a little girl
• Sushi + Thai iced tea.
• Blue skies
•  Ordinary moments made special

wednesdays + words (lists)

source: today and tomorrow

My favourites?

23. Take risks.
24. BREAK THE RULES
29. Stop trying to be someone else's perfect
33. Finish something.

What's yours?

one day i will do these things for the first time

I posted this up the other day and it's all I can think of. 

One day I would...

1.  ...  love to samba my way through Rio when the Carnival is at it's peak.

2.  ... want to run through a field of yellow and white daisies, where the stems are so high
     above my head I can hide from the world.

3. ... want to overcome my fear and bungee jump off a bridge in South Africa.

4. ... love to rent a convertible and drive through Italy's countryside with my husband and
    stay in a  little Tuscan hotel with a courtyard.

5. ... want to go on a romantic date on a gondola in Venice.

6. ... want to ride a horse, barebacked, on an empty beach.

7. ... want to get remarried in Vegas by Elvis.

8. ... like to do a short course at Parsons in New York and embrace the city in my heart,
    even if it's just for a month. (The biggest dream I let go of.)

9. ... want to backpack through South America.

10. ... want to rent a scooter and drive around Spain like one of the locals.

11. ... want to ride a motorcycle cross country through the Americas, with a pit stop in
     Arizona to see the Grand Canyon.

12. ... want to learn how to play the guitar.

13. ... love to fly up high in the sky in a hot air balloon and watch the world below me.

14. ... want to skydive and feel the weightlessness of my body as it falls out of the airplane.

15. ... like to visit Kyoto and Tokyo and sit in a bonsai garden surrounded by old Japanese
      architecture.

16. ... want to see the cherry blossoms in Japan.

17. ... want to learn how to surf.

18. ... like to go back to university and get a Masters Degree.

19. ... want see London again, visit all the places I missed out on when I was living there,
      visit old friends, reconnect with the place that I called home for almost eight years.

20. ... would like to make in a difference in someones life.

21. ... would like to design our house and watch my concepts and ideas become real.

22. ... would like to have a canopy bed, with willowing, sheer curtains around each post.

23. ... want to train for and complete a triathalon.

24. ... love to sit by the river Seine in Paris' Latin Quarter with my canvas and paints and
      draw the city.

25. ... want to hike the Rice Terrace trails in the Philippine mountain province and climb
      through the caves in Segada
26. ... like to swim with the whale sharks in Donsol.
28. ... climb one of the mountains in the Philippines and prove to my husband that I can
      also be that girl.... you know, the one that can be one with nature. :)

27.  ... like to one day look back at my life and say, Wow, this was my life. I lived to experience.
      I lived to see new things. I lived to be who I wanted to be. I want to one day say I did it.
      I did all that I wanted to do. I want to one day say that I lived my life to the fullest with
      no regrets. I want to one day be grateful for the life that I lived.

But my list is not finished. There's plenty more to come, plenty more to do, plenty more to
experience.