Grateful

Today I watched parents say goodbye to their boy. I watched them quietly stare at their son lying in a white, shiny casket and all I could do was look away, walk away with a heavy heart. I listened to them speak of their loss, I held my tears back as they shed theirs. I listened to each drowned out word, how every muffled syllable echoed their grief. In a large room with over two hundred people, the silence was deafening. 

Its been a sad day. 

But yet, I rushed home, eager and excited to see my children.  I smiled and my heart skipped a beat when they reached out to welcome me home. I kissed their heads as if I had never kissed them before. I cuddled them till they couldn't breathe. And when I had them in my arms, I held them just that little bit longer. I forget how blessed I am to come home to them at the end of a long day, blessed to read them books at night before bed, blessed to pull the covers over their little bodies and extremely blessed to watch them flutter their little eyes as they sleep. In this time, I realise how lucky I am to have these moments when they've suddenly been stripped from others so drastically.

Who am I to complain about not having enough hours when some people have lost all?

last week

10 things that made my week:

1. Lazy mornings with the cheekiest three year old I've ever known.

2. Restarting my fitness routine after six months of allowing my ankle to heal.

3. Girls night filled with sushi and salsa.

4. Completing a project my company has been working on since September.

5. Having that last bowl of rice with home cooked Filipino food the night before my diet (SO worth it)

6. Initial meeting with potential clients.

7. Putting up our Christmas tree!

8. Christmas lights.

9. Hearing news that one of my best friends will be coming to see me in five months.

10. Planning 2012.

1 thing that didn't make my week:

Having to say goodbye to my photo meditations project.  :(

On another note, this time last year I started on the reverb project where I reflected on the past year and thought about the year ahead. Lots of things to think about but since I don't think reverb is happening this year or I've totally missed out, I will probably try and catch up with my own 'reverb' project. We'll see how that pans out, shall we? 

sleigh bells ring, are you listening?

*sigh*

okay, who was I kidding?

I jumped on the #reverb10 boat knowing that December is ALWAYS crazy for me. Between Christmas, my birthday, my anniversary, friends visits, in-laws visits, December has come by as if it was a huge gust of wind that shook me off my feet. And now it's almost over.

I could have spent every day of December reflecting and manifesting, perhaps silently I was as the prompts came through my emails daily. Perhaps as I read them, I knew the answer immediately, or perhaps I had to think about the questions in depth before answering them.

All I know is that as I had time to think about my past year, whether I shared it on here or kept it private, I couldn't have asked for anything more as this year reaches its end. 
Very grateful and extremely blessed.
 ❤

finding her

 December 10 –  Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

i thought i had lost her.

emotionally raw. emotionally out of sync.

then the year became about my wisdom of acceptance. accepting who i had become, who this new person was replacing her.

it became about my  wisdom of understanding. the understanding that things were supposed to be exactly the way they were.

it became about my wisdom of patience.  knowing that if i waited patiently but looked hard enough she would resurface.

it became about my wisdom of strength. about embracing the courage as it swelled, about rejoicing as the walls broke down, and about celebrating the bravery as it intensified.

so my wisest decision yet?

finding her again.

and realising that it finally became about the wisdom of

chosing to be me again.

the night they rocked my world

December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

these ladies.

manila streets.

'Nuff said.

More here.

beautifully different

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

Beautifully different?

                   Me? Not sure.

I've never seen myself as different, sometimes I feel like I blend in with a crowd too much, 

sometimes I feel like I just ride the waves that come in my direction, 

simply walk the paths that I cross; merge with the routines people do to just survive. 

Perhaps listing it all down will pave my 

search for all the things that make me beautifully different.

So.....

•  I always cry when I'm angry. I always cry when I'm happy. So needless to say my emotions ALWAYS get the best of me.
• A small scar sits on the middle of the bridge of my nose, scars on my elbows, scars on my knees. See next topic for answer.
•  I am the queen of all klutzes. I was not meant to have toes seeing that I always hurt them, I was not meant to have feet to steady me on the ground as I always trip over them. There is not one day where there is no scratch or bruise on this body.
• My daydreams take me away more than they should.
• I really don't like being wrong and I'll fight for it until I know I'm right. But I'm also shy, so if I don't know you, sometimes I let the fight slide. Yes, I'm shy, but get to know me and the extrovert comes through.
• I give all that I am to those that I love,  sometimes too much.
• I like to peel my nailpolish, peel labels off anything, peel glue off my hands, peel melting wax off a candle, play with melting wax, and peel paint off surfaces.
• I can be very girly but a true tomboy at heart. 
• My teeth are crooked, my thighs are chunky and my legs are short. 
• I love to read but sometimes skip through words just to get through a chapter.
• And I love trashy novels. I really do. 
• I need to listen to music everyday. I need it to vibe with my daydreams. I need it to vibe with my realities.
•  I sing. But I don't share it. 
• I am a true and utter idealist no matter what I make myself believe. My optimism makes me fall hard sometimes.
• When I turned 30, I wanted to believe that I knew everything about myself.... there are still some blank spaces in this puzzle that need to be filled.

Beautifully different. I like it.

Maybe I really am beautifully different and I haven't realised the depth of it yet.

for #reverb10

catching up for #reverb 10

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

to let go. hmmm.

do I even know and understand the meaning of these two words?
have I even fully realised that I have things that I need to let go of?

perhaps this year has been the time that I  began to realise that letting go is a process.

letting go is a journey.

and letting go is necessary.

so I'll get there eventually

but there is way too much shit i hang onto. way too much. 

maybe next year I will have the answer to this question.

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

under the wings of the sparrow she flies 3/ 6

mixed media on paper

Rachel Le Roux

Dec 2010

I've started painting again.

I realised that in the middle of chaos, all I needed to do what sit down and do it. In the middle of all sorts of hectic, all I needed to do was escape.

And I did. And now, all I can think of doing is filling up canvases.

Now I realise that my methods of research and methods of finding inspiration is my subtle way of making excuses for not being inspired and it's my subtle way of procrastinating. Yes, subtle to me, but perhaps an obvious fact to others.

my goal for 2011? an exhibit.

No excuses, no procrastination. Just a goal to reach to put together an event to display work that I am proud of. And now, all I want to do is clear time for this.

through his eyes

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

my sense of wonder?

my son.

If i could walk through a day through his eyes, life would be such a wide spectrum of colours, one that seems so complicated but also a simple one. I would constantly have questions and answers that don't make sense, I would be curious and amazingly intelligent, my eyes would light up daily with the discoveries that come into my life everyday.

his growth, his intelligence, his personality, his creativity, his curiosity of the unknown.

my sense of wonder. 

that one moment

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

I remember waking up that morning on the other island miles away from home. Hungover, upset and missing my family, I sat and had a ham and cheese omelette in a cafe around the corner from the hotel I was staying at with my friends. The air was cool and the sky was grey, with not one pocket of sunshine attempting to creep through the thick clouds.  It was quiet, the locals went about their business and I watched the island life creep past as they began their routine around me as I sat there with a pounding head eating my breakfast.

I went for a walk that took me to the end of the stretch of beach, a little girl and her mother were collecting shells, a toned woman was doing her yoga, an older man was jogging on the beach and me, well I was breathing in this moment that I knew would not last forever. The smell of the salty ocean was stronger than usual, the sand was damp and cold and not its usual powdery texture; it stuck to my legs as I sat watching the silver traces of light on the oceans surface. 

I don't know what it was that morning, whether it was the stillness and quietness of this grey morning on a tropical island or perhaps it was my emotional hungover state after a friends big birthday bash or perhaps it was the simple life that my eyes grasped that morning.

But in that moment, it all made sense and in that moment, I felt alive. 

Original post here.

one word

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

2010. Change.

It has been about change all along. The struggle to adapt, the struggle to settle in, and the constant refusal to understand it and accept it.  

I've never been good at accepting it and when it comes through my way, I fight it. 2010 has been the year where I have learned to accept it gracefully and understand that it is there to help me grow, to make me wiser with my decisions and to help me become that better person. 

2011. Strive.

In this year that I see coming, I see that I will achieve these dreams that I have, these dreams that I have been hanging onto, the ones I let slip when life hit me with good and bad challenges.

I see that will aim high and not doubt that I can be that person I have always dreamed of being. I know that my procrastination will stop, that I will fulfill each dream and make them a reality. I know that if I try hard enough, I can start believing that I will no fail like I think I will.

I see that ahead of me, I will slowly begin to understand that my art has a purpose, that I will and do what I want to do without worrying about what other people think. And I'd like to see that when I look back at the end of 2011, I would know that I tried everything that I could to be that designer, that artist, and that I finally took those first steps into forming my stamp in this creative world.

Reverb 10

I've decided to jump on the wagon for this online project suggested by none other than, my Unravelling mentor, Susannah Conway.

Reverb 10  is an annual event that gets the online world reflecting on their past and to manifest what is next, an online initiative to respond to daily prompts through a blog, twitter or any other platform through words, photography or  whatever else you chose to do. I like this challenge.

 I can challenge my mind and my memory through my reflection.

I can challenge my goals and my passions through manifestation.

There's a few days to catch up on but I think I can do this and why not end the year with this?

Tonight, my journey begins.

and click here if you want to join in.