When push goes to shove

The day I took this photo, I was embracing change. Change in my body, change in my life and most importantly change in my state of mind. On this day, I ran till my body told me to stop. And it stopped early but I listened. I walked till I knew I had to sit down and man, did my body insist. But what I didn't know was that a few days after this run, my life would hit a complete crossroad and change would be bigger than I ever expected.

I stood at this intersection where motherhood and career pointing in different directions. A choice I've never had to make, a choice that came natural when we decided to leave England. After all, moving was one of the biggest adjustments I had to make in that time of my life, how could I balance anything else? I know I didn't need anything else. But now, I've settled into my comfort zone. My office sits two seconds away from my children's bedrooms, site visits are done on my schedules, meetings are set on convenience. But they say the magic happens outside comfort zones. And I believe them. 

So I'm stepping out. I'm stepping forward and I'm running towards the magic. I've said yes to an amazing job opportunity into a career that I've worked my butt off for. As much as my company has taught me many things, I needed to let it sit back for awhile because of the stagnant waters it was sitting in. There is always room to learn more, grow more, BE MORE. And to me, the decision wasn't about choosing motherhood over my career, I was about deciding how to unite the two pathways together and cement them into my life as one. The decision has become about learning that each one matters just as much as the other. 

And I'm okay with it. After all, who doesn't want to chase after magic?

three times a charm

Starting my August right. 

Dreaming of my future and participating in my third August Break, I always look forward to this time of year.  

And also sitting here in debelief that we're inching closer and closer to Christmas. 

 

day one august 2010

day two august 2011

one wish

So far, it's been two years in a row.

If I keep it up, one day I'll get to those places I've always dreamed of.

Fingers crossed.

{image via experience the world}

“ If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? "

There were forty seven of us. 

Forty seven of us on just five walls. 

It felt good to see my work up there and felt good to a part of something big, knowing that everyone had gathered there to share one thing in common. I stood there and looked around, proud of this little achievement of mine, a dream I wanted to reach for years now. All of a sudden, it became real. How do you cope with an emotion like that? How do you deal with how your heart feels when it's bursting at the seams? 

And now all I want is more. I want to feel more of that heavy heartbeat, feel the anxiety of how people reacted to my art, feel the adrenaline that I felt when I stood next to my work and feel how my cheeks felt from smiling all night.

Oh my, I tell you. 

That feeling.. that feeling that crept through my bones. It truly was something else 

and I can't wait for the day it comes to see me again. 

'unscripted conversations'

Two beautiful ladies.

Unscripted Conversations. 

The traffic was horrendous that night but all of it was worth is seeing the happy and 

extremely proud faces that were there that night. I know I was one of them. It truly is wonderful to witness dreams come true and when you know how passionate people are about their art, it is then that you understand the depth of their pride. 

To my friends, Sarah + Vicky ... for their dreams that came true. 

 And to a book that truly is worth having on my coffee table.

The amazing "S&V" flower installation courtesy of my cousins over at Holland Blooms who pulled pretty much an all-nighter getting it set with over 7000 pins and ficus leaves. 

Now let's try get this video over one hundred thousand hits by January 15th.

 " It symbolizes being able to get eyes on something that was built and created from the ground up, by Filipinos, about Filipinos, but for the world. It's our bridge between old and new, Fil-Ams and the motherland, other cultures and ours, our grandparents and our children. It's a representative of Filipino talent, and what we are capable of -- today. On the brink of 2012. With the internet at our disposal, and the world, literally at our fingertips." - Sarah Meier-Albano

Why hello, September.

 

... but August still continues takes my breath away....

1. August brought me three new contracts for my design company, two of which gave
    me handshakes that sealed the deal in just one day.

2. We now have another to begin concepts for.

3. It gave me a memorable last trip to LA for a long time, one that left me with butterflies
    in my tummy remembering the laughter we all shared  in just one night.

4. It let me see family that I hadn't seen in a few years, it allowed me to get to know a
    cousin I never properly knew before. I like that time allows you to do this.

5. It gave me an evening with girlfriends, with good food, good conversation and a
    chance to just be me.

6. I had the August Break, where I gave myself the goal to blog everyday. I don't see that I
    have failed this project, I see that it gave me a chance to aim for something and realise
    that not everything goes as planned and sometimes life just happens.

7. It gave this non-diva a champagne lunch with two wonderful divas in my life. Sometimes
    a girl just needs that end of the week surreal escape.

8. It allowed us a family Sunday afternoon in bed, where three of us did nothing at all with
    no guilt. This is not something that happens often.

9. August gave me hope again, simple hope that if you really believe that things will get
    better, they will. It's been awhile since I've pat myself on the back. Recently, I've had
    invisible bruises from all the beat downs I give myself.

10. .... and best of all, it allowed me to bid it goodbye in this place, where the silence
      was a little deafening for this urban girl but where the sun rays peeked through the palm
     trees in this humid tropical province, where the crickets sang loudly but a place where I
     saw a new beginning for this doubtful mind of mine.

I'm starting to believe that things are really looking up and that perhaps finally, my dreams
are coming true.

So, August, thank you. 

EDIT: 

A little curiosity found me reading back on last years August Break end and look at what I found. Funny how I found myself in the same place, at the same time of year, in a COMPLETELY different mind set.

What one year (and patience) can bring.

one day i will do these things for the first time

I posted this up the other day and it's all I can think of. 

One day I would...

1.  ...  love to samba my way through Rio when the Carnival is at it's peak.

2.  ... want to run through a field of yellow and white daisies, where the stems are so high
     above my head I can hide from the world.

3. ... want to overcome my fear and bungee jump off a bridge in South Africa.

4. ... love to rent a convertible and drive through Italy's countryside with my husband and
    stay in a  little Tuscan hotel with a courtyard.

5. ... want to go on a romantic date on a gondola in Venice.

6. ... want to ride a horse, barebacked, on an empty beach.

7. ... want to get remarried in Vegas by Elvis.

8. ... like to do a short course at Parsons in New York and embrace the city in my heart,
    even if it's just for a month. (The biggest dream I let go of.)

9. ... want to backpack through South America.

10. ... want to rent a scooter and drive around Spain like one of the locals.

11. ... want to ride a motorcycle cross country through the Americas, with a pit stop in
     Arizona to see the Grand Canyon.

12. ... want to learn how to play the guitar.

13. ... love to fly up high in the sky in a hot air balloon and watch the world below me.

14. ... want to skydive and feel the weightlessness of my body as it falls out of the airplane.

15. ... like to visit Kyoto and Tokyo and sit in a bonsai garden surrounded by old Japanese
      architecture.

16. ... want to see the cherry blossoms in Japan.

17. ... want to learn how to surf.

18. ... like to go back to university and get a Masters Degree.

19. ... want see London again, visit all the places I missed out on when I was living there,
      visit old friends, reconnect with the place that I called home for almost eight years.

20. ... would like to make in a difference in someones life.

21. ... would like to design our house and watch my concepts and ideas become real.

22. ... would like to have a canopy bed, with willowing, sheer curtains around each post.

23. ... want to train for and complete a triathalon.

24. ... love to sit by the river Seine in Paris' Latin Quarter with my canvas and paints and
      draw the city.

25. ... want to hike the Rice Terrace trails in the Philippine mountain province and climb
      through the caves in Segada
26. ... like to swim with the whale sharks in Donsol.
28. ... climb one of the mountains in the Philippines and prove to my husband that I can
      also be that girl.... you know, the one that can be one with nature. :)

27.  ... like to one day look back at my life and say, Wow, this was my life. I lived to experience.
      I lived to see new things. I lived to be who I wanted to be. I want to one day say I did it.
      I did all that I wanted to do. I want to one day say that I lived my life to the fullest with
      no regrets. I want to one day be grateful for the life that I lived.

But my list is not finished. There's plenty more to come, plenty more to do, plenty more to
experience.

perched on top of a hill watching the world below me

 

Last night I dreamt that I was on the edge of the earth. 

I walked across a path up top a hill in the country, where the edge seemed so close, as if i would fall should I have lost my balance.

Last night I dreamt of the ocean.

The silver tipped waves reflected back at me, and I sat with my feet hanging off the paths edge, as if my toes could reach out all the way to the middle of the sea.

Last night I dreamt of the salt water air brushing my cheeks as I hiked along the gravelled road down towards the beach.

The air was soft and delicate, as if I would miss its touch if I closed my eyes for one minute.

Last night I dreamt of walking on the shore.

My footsteps barely left prints, ones that were muted by the wet sand that touched my feet. I walked as if there was no end to the stretch ahead of me.

Last night in my dreams, there was tranquility. 

Last night in my dreams, it was so real.

as if i was truly there.

the universe is playing tricks on me

so much for writing you a letter.

you're not really helping.

instead you are playing tricks.

either you are truly horrible, or you have something in store for me.

... something earth shattering
.... something groundbreaking.
.... something humbling.
... something just right.
..... or something that truly fits me.

let's hope fate crosses my path.
and
let's hope i work hard enough to find my fate.

For when the world gives you tomorrow, you're gonna learn to live again

If you place a thing into the center of your life

That lacks the power to nourish

It will eventually poison everything that you are

And destroy you

A simple a thing as an idea

Or your perspective on yourself of the world

No one can be the source of your content,

It lies within, in the center.

Only with mellow while your thin enough to slide through

Only with mellow while your thin enough to slide through

Don't let nothing ride you.

If the sun or the moon should keel away to die,

They would immediately go out .

One.

Swallow don't make a sound,
But tomorrow has to start somewhere.

Newspapers entertain,

Lion Tamers die in pain

This Child wise beyond words

Whose tears flow without seize

Newspapers entertain,

Lion Tamers die in pain

This child wise beyond words

Whose tears flow without seize

When there's no where, left to run to

Let me come to you, let me help you down

For when the world, gives you tomorrow

You're gonna learn to live again

We can learn to go,

Oh learn as we go

Just to live, for the day

I know it's hard, to live for the moment

Just try, anyway

-Faithless

november dreaming.

 

the dreamer in me wishes to be by the ocean, submerged in waters so deep, listening to the silence of the life beneath the surface of the blue waters. the dreamer wishes to feel the gusts of wind blowing through her dress. she wishes to lay on soft grass, where time stands still for a length of time, with shadows playing behind her lids,  as the sunbeams radiate on her skin while the world around her moves by so quickly.

the dreamer in me wishes to walk through a park full of trees, with pathways that seems endless. she wishes to run through a valley of flowers with stems so long, they tower over her. she pictures riding a bike through a park full of autumn leaves, feeling the winds blow on her face as the wheels circle around and around. she dreams of riding on ocean waves, to feel only the wind powering through her hair as the sun's strong rays burn her skin. 

she wishes to dream some more, over and over again until they become real.

Amel Larrieux - Morning

 Photos by laura olivia baker

.it is always about the dreams.

I let a lot of dreams go when I was younger. I didn’t want to, I had to. It was just the way things had to go. And then I chose to forget about them so it didn’t hurt so much at the time. But how far did those dreams really go?  Is it that you have them one day and then the next you just don’t?
I don’t really do well with change and yet change has been a part of my life since I left home at 18. So when my dreams changed, I didn’t know how to handle it. When you want something so bad, how could dreams change? How can you change what you really want? But then I began to understand that it wasn’t about letting them go completely, it was about adapting them into new ones and making the revised versions happen. And some of them have happened. My creative dreams….. they happened. And it makes me very proud.

I have new ones that have come up. New dreams. New directions. And through this all, I sit and hope that I can do this the way they are supposed to happen. So although revised dreams are wonderful, it would be nice for things to fall into place just the way they are supposed to.

. a single step .