Just what I needed to see

I started this long, insightful post at midnight last night. I became this angst ridden person writing about desires as deep as my sleep should have been. My computer quickly shut tight before that publish button was pressed in a hurry, leaving these daydreams seen through thousands of letters typed on the screen only with my eyes. Leaving it in a folder for me to return to once my head was clear of all the murkiness that hovered over me.

I wrote about how I was dreaming about all the things I could have had. I wrote about how I sometimes thought about how I would have been somewhere else in my life if I turned another direction, walked a different path. I wrote about the places I'd be, the things I'd have, the things that would have made me into that person I always wondered about. I titled it ' Everything that I am not'.

Then tonight, before I scurried over to my drafts folder, I saw this. 

So I let go, deleted my post and wrote this one.

And I feel much better for it.

When push goes to shove

The day I took this photo, I was embracing change. Change in my body, change in my life and most importantly change in my state of mind. On this day, I ran till my body told me to stop. And it stopped early but I listened. I walked till I knew I had to sit down and man, did my body insist. But what I didn't know was that a few days after this run, my life would hit a complete crossroad and change would be bigger than I ever expected.

I stood at this intersection where motherhood and career pointing in different directions. A choice I've never had to make, a choice that came natural when we decided to leave England. After all, moving was one of the biggest adjustments I had to make in that time of my life, how could I balance anything else? I know I didn't need anything else. But now, I've settled into my comfort zone. My office sits two seconds away from my children's bedrooms, site visits are done on my schedules, meetings are set on convenience. But they say the magic happens outside comfort zones. And I believe them. 

So I'm stepping out. I'm stepping forward and I'm running towards the magic. I've said yes to an amazing job opportunity into a career that I've worked my butt off for. As much as my company has taught me many things, I needed to let it sit back for awhile because of the stagnant waters it was sitting in. There is always room to learn more, grow more, BE MORE. And to me, the decision wasn't about choosing motherhood over my career, I was about deciding how to unite the two pathways together and cement them into my life as one. The decision has become about learning that each one matters just as much as the other. 

And I'm okay with it. After all, who doesn't want to chase after magic?

And all it takes is saying yes.

Remember her?
She came into my life over a year ago and I hid her under a shelf when I had no desire to finish.

Two weeks ago, I said yes to participating in an exhibit with 46 other artists.
And all of a sudden, she resurfaced. All of a sudden, I was inspired to finish her.
All of a sudden last years goal of exhibiting my work is happening.

Things turn around when you least expect it you know, they really do.  Sometimes I just need to give
the universe a little more credit. And sometimes, it's just taking that kick in the ass by someone who
believes in you and saying yes.

the universe is playing tricks on me

so much for writing you a letter.

you're not really helping.

instead you are playing tricks.

either you are truly horrible, or you have something in store for me.

... something earth shattering
.... something groundbreaking.
.... something humbling.
... something just right.
..... or something that truly fits me.

let's hope fate crosses my path.
and
let's hope i work hard enough to find my fate.

.and the fingers found my paints.

Day twenty four.
Behind on the photography and this is why.

Life should be about spontaneity.
It should be about not having to think and ponder about things too much.
Thoughts turn into worries and then worries turn into doubts.
Empty canvases have been sitting in the spare room for months.
And for months I have tried to convince myself that they needed to be filled.
And for months I have doubted my ideas.
Then in one moment, I felt the urge. No questions were asked, my brush just headed straight to this little piece of canvas paper.
Nothing with hidden meanings, no secret depth of reasoning in the process. Just my pencil, paints and paper.

Simplicity. Black and white.

An emotional abstraction where perhaps it is only I who can feel the emotions within the strokes, but nevertheless, it is a piece of me. A piece of me I am unbelieveably sharing freely, another layer that I seem to be unravelling.

Now I believe that my tendency to overthink prevents my ability to create, 
and perhaps simplicity (and courage) is all I have ever needed.

.letting go.

Her words are so true. Susannah Conway  says a lot of words that mean more to me than a lot of people would understand. She has taught me a lot of things, I never imagined one woman’s encouragement could be as powerful as they are. Somehow she has come into my life and I could not be more grateful that I already am.


"It’s letting go of expectation.
 Letting go of fear.
 Letting go of doubt.
 Letting go of the hurts.
 Letting go of the disappointments.
 Letting go of the needs.
 Letting go of the stories.
 Letting go of the untruths.
 Letting go of that time you did that thing you shouldn’t have done.
 Letting go of feeling foolish, knowing you were just young. Unformed. Learning. Trying.
 Letting go of the need to be perfect. Correct. Proper.
 Letting go of what’s expected of you, even if they’re your own expectations. Especially then.
 Letting go of the voice in your head that tells you you are shit.
 Letting go of the hatred of your skin. It’s just flesh. Just bones. Just your transportation on earth.
 Letting go of the need to control what happens.
 Letting go of feeling bad because you’re not letting go enough.

 I’m starting to get it now. I really am."

.spoken words.

silver grey moonlight beam…
vivid brightness and spectacular aura…
unexplainable beauty.
definition of calmness.
……eminence of peace.

— RJR ‘03