When push goes to shove

The day I took this photo, I was embracing change. Change in my body, change in my life and most importantly change in my state of mind. On this day, I ran till my body told me to stop. And it stopped early but I listened. I walked till I knew I had to sit down and man, did my body insist. But what I didn't know was that a few days after this run, my life would hit a complete crossroad and change would be bigger than I ever expected.

I stood at this intersection where motherhood and career pointing in different directions. A choice I've never had to make, a choice that came natural when we decided to leave England. After all, moving was one of the biggest adjustments I had to make in that time of my life, how could I balance anything else? I know I didn't need anything else. But now, I've settled into my comfort zone. My office sits two seconds away from my children's bedrooms, site visits are done on my schedules, meetings are set on convenience. But they say the magic happens outside comfort zones. And I believe them. 

So I'm stepping out. I'm stepping forward and I'm running towards the magic. I've said yes to an amazing job opportunity into a career that I've worked my butt off for. As much as my company has taught me many things, I needed to let it sit back for awhile because of the stagnant waters it was sitting in. There is always room to learn more, grow more, BE MORE. And to me, the decision wasn't about choosing motherhood over my career, I was about deciding how to unite the two pathways together and cement them into my life as one. The decision has become about learning that each one matters just as much as the other. 

And I'm okay with it. After all, who doesn't want to chase after magic?

the girl with the bump

I'm not one to show off my body in bikinis to post online. 

I'm usually the one hiding behind someone so my legs aren't on show.

Or the one breathing in so much you would think I actually stopped breathing completely.

Or even the one who has mastered the shoulder pose to make my arms look skinnier.

But these photos.... 

Well, I'm not embarrassed nor am I even that tad bit ashamed of posting them here.

 In all honesty, I have never been prouder of my pregnant body. I'm not even that slightly embarrassed to share them because they are beautiful memories of who I was when I carried my little girl. What my body represented as my skin stretched to its utmost capacity.

 They are my memories of aches and pains, sleepless nights, my nine months between her and I. 

We shared that together. 

And I'd like to remember it  forever.

p h o t o s  b y:  h y l t o n  l e  r o u x

Peep this post for my first self-portrait post that I geared myself up to post online shot in the exact same space.

And all it takes is saying yes.

Remember her?
She came into my life over a year ago and I hid her under a shelf when I had no desire to finish.

Two weeks ago, I said yes to participating in an exhibit with 46 other artists.
And all of a sudden, she resurfaced. All of a sudden, I was inspired to finish her.
All of a sudden last years goal of exhibiting my work is happening.

Things turn around when you least expect it you know, they really do.  Sometimes I just need to give
the universe a little more credit. And sometimes, it's just taking that kick in the ass by someone who
believes in you and saying yes.

the girl in pink: a self portrait

For once, I have nothing bad to say about myself. 

I actually love these shots.  

And I'm not hiding behind a lens. Rather, I'm in front of it. 

Maybe it's because my face isn't on show. It's more about my emotion.

My body language. My mystery. My sensuality as a woman. 

Because in every woman, this exists. 

And I've allowed myself to believe that I can be that woman.

And this exercise has become my revelation of my bravery to accomplish self-portrait week.

I didn't think I could do it and love it.

for photo meditations.

Delicate circles, Oh so bright, Shimmering shells in it’s eye.

 

They say peacock feathers represent pride, nobility and glory.

The feathers are a symbol of incorruptibility and immortality.

They are a symbol of integrity and the beauty that can be achieved when we aim

for a way to better ourselves.

The Greek myth, the goddess Hera placed eyes on its feathers to symbolise 

all-seeing knowledge and the wisdom of the heavens.

The feathers represent the God Lakshmi's qualities of kindness, patience and good fortune.

And the Buddhists believe that the feathers are associated with openness and

that they have the ability to thrive in the face of suffering.

Extremely symbolic, wonderfully beautiful and now they sit dotted around my house to 

remind me of the deep meaning they exude. 

They remind me :

To be proud but not arrogant.

To be dignified but not superior.

To be powerful but not overpowering. 

and  to be strong but not intoxicating.

*Peacock feather meanings from numerous sites.

finding her

 December 10 –  Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

i thought i had lost her.

emotionally raw. emotionally out of sync.

then the year became about my wisdom of acceptance. accepting who i had become, who this new person was replacing her.

it became about my  wisdom of understanding. the understanding that things were supposed to be exactly the way they were.

it became about my wisdom of patience.  knowing that if i waited patiently but looked hard enough she would resurface.

it became about my wisdom of strength. about embracing the courage as it swelled, about rejoicing as the walls broke down, and about celebrating the bravery as it intensified.

so my wisest decision yet?

finding her again.

and realising that it finally became about the wisdom of

chosing to be me again.

for one moment I sit and believe

a kiss to build a dream on - Louis Armstrong

Sometimes I sit back and listen to some music, close my eyes and just feel it through my bones, through my soul and embrace every beat, every tune. I let the voices take me away into their world, let the instruments carry me through to another world. And at times, I too, let my voice sweep me away into the melodies of the song. And in this world, everything is okay and life is just the way things are supposed to be.

Sometimes I use music as my escape, to drown out my worries, to mask my concerns, to temporarily erase doubt. It helps you know, at least for the moment it does. And in this one moment of my musical takeover, I can breathe. I can sit here and believe that life is just the way it is supposed to be and that life knows what it has planned for me. I must believe that this truly is the way things are supposed to be.


And sometimes when the music stops, I panic for a little bit. My realities have swooped back down on me. Where is the music to make me momentarily slip away from consciousness? But then I know that I can do this without my music, I don't need it to mask away my fears, for it is my fears that make me stronger.

Then I realise that I can do this. I can get through whatever life challenges me with having to escape.
I don't need to hide. But really.... it is nice sometimes. It really is.

i see you smiling at me

 

I see you.

I know you are looking at me. I know you are waiting to be finished.

I can feel your unfinished face looking at me, quietly whispering in my ear, pleading to shade in your forehead, shade in your hair.

But see, for some reason, I can't get there. Not yet that is. For some reason I started you and left you incomplete. 

But in time, you will have that forehead and you will have your hair. In time, you will be framed and many more of you will surface.

Just give me time.

.a Utopian in East London.

There is this pleading voice echoing in my head, an urge and rush of adrenaline. It had been lingering and hovering over me these past few weeks and I want to share.

I have been thinking about my last year in university. The previous years had already been a challenge and the last year had raised its stakes. I was scared for what would happen after, yet confident that my creativity would take me somewhere.  I walked with my head held up high, after two years of constructive criticism, and somewhat berating as well, I decided to finish the year without tears. After all, I was showing them who I was as an artist, who I was as a designer. I had my brave boots on and succumbed to their challenges. There was a world that I created where the design strategies were mine and my voice constantly backfired and exploded with reasoning and purpose. My fingers worked with my imagination and I became the character I created, that old Utopian, a wanderer walking down the paths of East London. Needless to say, it ended up as the best digital concept work I have ever done. So now two years have passed, and the folder that holds these designs are constantly viewed. I remember how creatively passionate I was, where sleepless nights were not a chore but a genuine commitment to my craft.

For so long, inspiration has always come from other people, other artists and designers, but today I want to inspire myself. I want to believe that the person who created that world before still exists. I want to remember that I can do this, I would like to be brave again and believe that my art matters.

Because it does. My art matters. It is part of who I am.

. disconnected .

I don’t want to become on of those people who start blogs and then slowly forget about it. I aimed to start this and to keep up with my inspirations through it. But man, this week has been hectic. Wonderfully hectic. Overwhelmingly hectic. So I am excusing myself from the neglected blog this time because it was neglected for the right reasons. Sometimes when things don’t seem to be falling into place for me, it takes that one step through the creative world that gets me going again. I get lost in my thoughts too much and sometimes it prevents me from implementing my ideas. And then sometimes I lose my courage. I believe I’m brave when it comes to expressing my creativity, I always have been but when the doubt kicks in, it kicks me hard. Why do I doubt my creativity sometimes? I needed to begin believing in my world again.

In the last few weeks, I have found myself doing courses to kick start this spark in me, a basic photography course and another creative course that focuses on me, a pathway into discovering who I am. Doing these courses side by side has just opened a little door in me again, one that I had a few years back that I seemed to have lost with all the transition that had been going on in my life.

I’m excited for what the future holds. I know it’s all about me. I have to make it all happen. I have to believe I can make it all happen.

I’m beginning to fall deeper in love with photography.

❤

. a single step .