And now you are one

Dearest Sían, 

You, my darling girl, are one today.

And oh my, how this year flew past. I remember how I was listening to music as I lay on the table while Dr. Lopez carefully pulled you out. Daddy saw you first, with your amazing full head of hair and long legs. And then they gave you to me. And I cried. I cried because you were so tiny. I cried because I waited nine long months for you to come, in fact, I waited my whole life to meet my little girl. I cried because I finally got to see who this little person was moving inside of me. And my baby girl, you were so beautiful. You still are.

Your pixie features captured everyone right away, and all of a sudden this little person grasped everyone around her tiny fingers and you know what?  I think you still do.  You are everyone's ray of sunshine, Síani, and with that smile of yours, you will always be. 

❤ I love that you sleep! Oh my, do you sleep. From the first night, till the next few days, till weeks and months after. And now a year later, your favourite part of bedtime is climbing into that cot of yours. 

❤ I love that you already know what you don't like. You push things away when you don't want something, you cry when you want attention, and you smile when you get what you want. You are so independent but too small to be on her own. I want to treasure this moment for as long as it lasts. 

❤ I love that you are feisty.  One day you still hold that strength in you and stand up for yourself. Don't let anyone take that away from you. 

❤ I love that you love your brother so much. He is the only one who can make you laugh wholeheartedly. He's the only one who gets you so happy that your whole body jumps with excitement. I hope this is the beginning of the most special relationship you will always treasure. 

❤ I love that you are such a happy baby. Even when you are not feeling well or extremely tired, you smile. You smile at everyone, you know? One day, that smile of yours will brighten someones day. I know it always brightens mine. 

❤ I love your little toes. Your little fingers. Your little tummy. Your little button nose. Your little curls. Everything about you I love unconditionally. I wish I could hold onto this past year a little longer. But I know every year will make me love you even more, if that is even possible. My heart feels like it will burst if I love you any more. 

❤ I love your big front teeth and your gapped smile. You have five teeth now. And I love how you scrunch your nose up and show them to me with your silly smile. 

❤ I hate leaving you in the morning. You now make it harder than it has ever been, how you grab hold of my arms so tightly, how you cry as if I'm going to leave you forever, how you look as me as though you will never see me again. It breaks my heart every single day. And I always drive off with my heart dragging behind the car. 

❤  I hate that I miss so much. The year has gone so quickly, but I feel like there has been so much I haven't been there for. Mummy works hard for your future, and I promise you that I will make sure that the time we have is quality over quantity. 

Happy first, my sweet sunshine. To many more years with the brightness that you bring into our lives. 

you are five today

Dear Cameron, 

You are five today. 

The big FIVE.

You woke up this morning by my side and as I started singing happy birthday, you looked confused and asked me why your voice was still the same as when you were four. You ran into my bed and asked Daddy why you hadn't grown overnight because you were the same size as you were when you were four. As if all of a sudden, after one sleep, you thought you would grow bigger because you turned five. Well, my boy, it is as if I closed my eyes after one long sleep and found you as this big five year old. As if you grew overnight, when I wasn't watching, like a time lapse capture highlighting critical moments in double speed. But I have been watching. You must know that I have been doing that. 

☆ I love that you are way beyond your years. I often wonder what goes through that clever mind of yours. I can see how fast your thoughts move, sometimes your words have a hard time catching up with your thoughts. 

☆ I love that you are caring and loving. You look after your sister and you always make sure she is safe. There are moments you argue with her, not realising how small she really is but you love with all your heart and it's amazing to see. I hope you always treat her with as much love. 

☆ I love that you correct me when I'm wrong. And boy, you love doing so. You also love being right. At five, you are confident in your doings. 

☆ I love that you read so well. You sometimes pretend to be too tired to read but it doesn't take much for your love for books to outweighs your exhaustion.

☆ I love that you have memorised words to the rock songs that Daddy is teaching you. There are not many five year olds I know who sing along to these songs word for word. It shows that you pay attention even if I think you are not. 

☆ I love that you talk so much. Yes, sometimes, I tell you to slow down. Sometimes I ask you to stop. But never stop, my boy, because your consistent chatter shows me that your intelligence is constantly developing. 

☆ I love that you are an observer. You watch people and you scope out the situation that you are surrounded in. You are aware and extremely cautious of your surroundings. 

☆ I still love the way you smell in the morning. I always wish for this smell to stay forever. I'm so happy that I still have this to hold onto.

☆ I love looking back at your baby pictures and remembering how you were. I love knowing that my memories of you grow all the time. Next year, I'll have another thousand pictures I can stare at. I will never tire of staring at you. 

☆ I love that you understand what secrets are. And I most especially love that you share yours with me. I hope you realise that you can always share your secrets with me. 

☆ I love how you run out of the front door and yell "Muuuummmmyyyyy" as I get home after a long day at work. My days are hard without you two but your happiness in welcoming me home always makes it better. I love how you are always excited to see us. 

☆ I love your craziness. Your silliness. Your grumpiness. Your happiness. 

☆ I love that I have this to write you every year. I love how some things are constant. But I also love how you are changing every year. Every day. Every minute. 

Another year. Another year of all this love I have for you.

Happy fifth, my big, big boy. 

you are four today

you are three today

you are two today

the calm before the most beautiful storm

My dear babygirl,

Nine whole days I have to wait for you.
It seems like a lifetime, when in fact, it's nothing compared to the time that I've been waiting for you since the day I found out you were in my tummy.

Nine whole days till I can hold you in my arms, smell your sweet baby smell, touch your wrinkly, unfilled skin.
I've been in your room everyday slowly getting your little space ready. Your bed is waiting to be filled.

Nine whole days till you make our little family into one of four.
Your big brother is eagerly awaiting your arrival, he is quite keen on helping to look after you. You don't know yet how much he loves you already.

Nine long days.
And then you're here.

you are four today

Dear Cameron,

You, my boy, are four today.

FOUR!

I look at you and can't believe four years have passed since you graced our lives with your presence. If I knew time would move this fast, I would have prayed even harder to it to slow down. I can barely even carry you anymore and your long legs take over mine when you sit on my lap. You come up to just over my waist and your feet will soon take over mine. Who asked for time to move this fast? I surely didn't. But what I do know, and what I am grateful for, is that that time has brought me your growth. And watching you grow has brought me happiness, no matter how emotional it makes me at times. 

☆  I love that we have full conversations. In times, you surprise me with your wit and your personality.         You speak in full sentences and your words are more pronounced. Although, I still love that you say aminal instead of animal. It reminds me that at times you really still are my little boy. Sometimes I don't want to correct you so I can hear it over and over again.

☆  I love that you know exactly what you want. You stand your ground when you don't like something even if it makes us mad at times, it makes me proud to know that you will one day be able to stand up for yourself.

☆  I love your attention to detail. You see the tiniest details in your toys, in your food, in us, in yourself. How can a little four year old be this discerning and vigilant to the smallest things? Your mindfulness amazes me.

☆  I love how clever you are. I love that you are a leader in your nursery class, that your teacher gives you extra work to challenge your mind, and that you soak in everything so easily. My heart beams with pride all the time. 

☆ I love that you are excited to meet your baby sister. I love that you touch my tummy all the time, always waiting for her to move so you can feel her. You'll be the best big brother she can ever have wanted. You'll be kind and I know you'll love her as much as we love you.

☆ I love that you are sensitive. You are aware of your emotions and you are not afraid to share it with us. I love that you tell me when you are happy, or sad and even when you're angry. One day you will realise, that a real man is one who is never afraid to shed his own tears or share his emotions.

☆ I love that you are protective of those that you love. Your guard stands high and you already know that the ones you love are the ones you want to look out for.

☆ I love that you know about reasoning. And oh my, do you really know how it works. 

☆ I love your cheeky laugh. Your heartfelt giggles. Your contagious smiles. I love that no matter what it you always know how to make me smile. You really do have me wrapped around your fingers. You know you will always be mama's boy, even till you have children of your own. 

☆ I love your charm. How you work your magic on everyone around you. How you charm them in your gorgeous little four year old spell. This, my boy, is something you must hold onto.

☆ I love your imagination. Your creative playground. Sometimes I wonder how all these things are stored in your head, but it's you. How could I ever doubt your ability to create stories?

☆ I love that you love hugs. And kisses. And cuddles. I love that you constantly ask for them as much as I do. 

☆ I love that as much as I miss how you were when you were little, I marvel at how you are growing up. 

My most favourite little man in the world, my heart, my soul. To the many more years ahead where I find more things to love about you. My heart is so full, I always wonder how you manage to always squeeze a little bit more in there for me to love about you. 

Happy fourth to you my sweet boy.

you are three today
you are two today

a letter to the little girl lost

Dear me, 

You are sixteen. 

You are invincible.

Seemingly you are against the world and you stand eight feet tall.

But can I let you in on a little secret?

You really are only 5'1 and a half and you are only sixteen. A child, even if you believe otherwise.

Can I tell you that what you think you know now will phase out and that the world you believe in is just a dab of what is in store for you? 

The boy you are seeing isn't the one you swear you are going to marry. Stop crying over him and know that one day he'll break your heart, over and over again. 

The experiences you are going through isn't what shapes you. 

That your friends will not always be there through thick and thin. 

And the friends you hold onto and promise to grow up with are not the ones who will be by your side when you give birth to your first child. 

Your parents are not the enemies as you believe they are. 

That sneaking out makes your mothers heart palpitate in ways you could never imagine until you yourself become a mother. 

Would you believe me if I told you that one day you will find comfort in the walls of their own home, have a glass of wine with them once in a while, and that sometimes you'd rather hang out with them instead of a night in the club. 

That one day you will realise that your biggest bully and critic was actually yourself.

Yes, one day you will understand that blaming others for the depth of your insecurities was nothing more that your own despair for acceptance. You don't want to die like you think you do and your self worth is more than that you believe it to be. 

That your curves will make you the woman you are, that your dark hair and olive skin will one day be called exotic, that the perfection of beauty will never be as important as you believe it to be.

That one day a man will fall in love with your little legs that you hate, your thunder thighs that you always cover up, your love handles that you despise, and one day the man that you marry will believe you are the most beautiful girl he's ever laid eyes on. 

Can I share another secret? 

You don't know it all.

You really don't. You got to stop thinking you do.

And you know, one day you will miss your teenage years and wish that time didn't move so fast. So please stop wishing the time away, it really does go faster the older you get.  

Oh, and those baggy jeans and black lipstick you sport? Yeah, that phases out too. Believe me, it wasn't very attractive.

You are sixteen, darling.

If only you knew then, what you know now.

always, 

me {your thirty two year old self}

for Blogging from the Heart

Thanks. No really.... Thanks.

Dear Universe,

You've played with my emotions these first two weeks of January, you really have.

Displacement. Inconveniences. Relief. Stress. Tears. Worry. Weakness. Pride. Love. Happiness. Confidence. Euphoria. Excitement. Sadness. Laughter. Warmth. Then of course messing with the little fella. That really wasn't cool. 

You see how you test me with all that you can possibly give me in just two weeks? If this isn't a black and white sign  of what you have in store for me then I guess I'm in for more surprises. But just know that I'm kinda emotionally tired already. What a way to pick at my feelings.  But don't get me wrong, I'm not mad. After all, you granted me an accomplishment. You granted me a goal that I achieved, you gave me determination, and you gave me a piece of something that I know is out there for me. It kinda rules out all the bad vibes you've been sending me. For the first time in years, I believe I got this. 

So please know that my thank yous have double meanings. Thanks for giving me a shit two weeks, I really didn't need it. But thanks for ending it with fulfillment. Now that was what I really needed. 

I get it. I do.

What do you think?  Reckon its time to give this girl a break? 

Just sayin'.

always, 

me

Happiness is....

... finding photos of last summer in LA in a folder that I forgot existed.

on that note:

dear universe, 

please let me find my way back there soon. 

thanks!

me.

other photos of this trip also seen here. 

you are three today

Dear Cameron,

You are three today.


Three.

I still remember the moment you decided it was finally time to come, albeit five days late.
I was in labour for two days and you kept us waiting. Elation and tears, pain and exhaustion,
happiness and love. Do you know you brought all these emotions to us? I remember staring
at you for hours, in disbelief that you were mine. Do you know I still sit and stare at you? It's
been three years and I still can't believe that you are mine forever.

☆ I love your affection, how you hug me just because you feel like it, how you kiss my eyes
     or my nose, or just touch my arm. It reminds me how much love you have for me.

☆ I love that you know exactly what you want, that you are independent and have a confidence
     in your stride. It shows me that we are teaching you to be yourself.

☆ I love how polite you are. Every thank you and please shows me that we are raising you with
    good manners.

☆ I love it when you lace your little fingers into mine to hold my hand.  I hope you hold my
     hand like this forever.

☆ I love how naughty you are, no matter how mad it makes me. It makes me smile to know
     that you have a strong personality.

☆ I love our conversations. Your incessant chatter and your endless stories.

☆ I love that you remember things that happened months ago, like it happened yesterday.
     Your memory continues to baffle me everyday.

☆ I love our bedtime routines. They have stayed constant since you were a baby and is our
     favourite time of day.

☆ I love that you love to sing and that you love to hear me sing. I've been singing to you
     since you were in my tummy.

☆ I love how your mind works. I love seeing your mind process as you say things a million
miles a minute. It shows me that you are always thinking.

☆ I love that you are growing to be a charming little man. I hope you always stay that way.

☆ I love that I can barely remember what life was like without you around. I love that I don't
     want to remember.

For you, my silly moo, on your third.

  

*for cameron, on his second.

you are two today*

... and the person who taught me that role

 

 

                         Dear mum, 

you always told me that one day i would know.

you always told me that i would feel it in my heart and soul.

and you always told me that one day i would truly understand.

i get it now. i really do.

thank you for being patient with me and

thank you for teaching me how to be the mother  that i am.

so to you my beautiful mother, on mother's day. 

you always did know i'd get it one day.

           

                                                 ❤ me

i keep coming back

dear manila,

oh, how you frustrate me sometimes.

and at times how you anger me, how you have people who discriminate through religion, how some people judge you because of what you believe in, how you have people who look down on their own nation,  how you have people who don't believe in your capabilities in being a country that can thrive, and how you have people that cannot see your potential to do so.

but i know that beyond all of this, there is something there. something that allows me to believe that there are people out there who have not given up on you. there are people who trust that you are what they need in their lives. there are people there that believe you are the place where they can be someone, a place where they can be successful and a place where they can be whoever they want to be.

they are the ones who believe beyond the frustrations.

they are the ones who left first world countries to share their international education with their countrymen.

they are the ones who share hard earned knowledge with you.

they are the ones who come back home.

they are the ones who believe in you. maybe you can begin to believe in them too.

a letter to the universe

Dear Universe,

So, last year was tough. Somehow,  I now believe that you weren't on my side. But I am writing this letter to ask you to sit by me for my two thousand and eleven. Because I truly believe that it can be mine to grasp onto and remember.

Help me to know that this needs to be my year.

Remind me that this needs to be the year that I excel.

Tell me this has to be the year that I shine, this should be the year that I find my place.

Convince me that this can be the one, that this will be the one.

And as I walk through the doors of a gigantic firm tomorrow with my portfolio in my arms, I only ask for you to hold my hand through it all, for you to remind me that things happen for a reason and for you to help me understand that this is what I need, albeit not what I had envisioned. I also ask for you to help me with my nerves seeing that it has been awhile since I have done this.

I hope that is not too much to ask.

always,

me

dear blog

I am sorry that I have been neglecting your space.

I am sorry because life has been speeding past me and i have not been able to document it.

I am sorry because my computer fried and I have lost some important files and have not had my digital world at hand.

I really am sorry but please know that I am not gone for good and that you have not just been there for momentary online therapy.

I am sorry but my reality has really needed a little bit of attention.

But my reality is almost set up and somehow within all the running around I have managed to catch my breath this morning and enjoy my new space, my new sun spots, my new home.....

 

Oh my, I think reality is also telling me that I am in dire need of a pedicure.

you are two today

you are two today.

and when i close my eyes i can still feel you fit comfortably in the nook of my arms,

i can still smell your newborn scent, i can still hear your little cries; so small.

your arrival into our world brings me gratitude in every possible way and every day 

i am grateful for the love you bring into my life. 

✩ i love your curious mind. you amaze me with your intelligence and your quick grasp on knowledge. 

✩ i love your beautiful gapped teeth smiles. your little dimples make my heart melt in all directions.

✩ i love our bedtime stories. i always find it hard to be away at these times.

✩ i love the way you smell in the morning. it is my favourite scent in the whole world.

✩ i love the way your little hand fits into mine. one day they will be bigger than mine but i will 

    always  remember the way they feel in mine now. 

✩ i love your little hugs and kisses. they light up my day. i especially love that you hold my face 

    tightly when you give kisses.

✩ i love how you run to me when you are hurt. i love that you believe that my kisses take the pain away

    and that you know my arms always comfort you.

 

✩ i love the way that you love me. it’s unconditional, perfect and larger than anything i have ever known.  

✩ i love that no matter how bad my day was, coming home to you takes it all away.

✩ i love how you make me soul happy. i am grateful for this happiness you bring into my life. 

✩ i love who you are. your big personality overcomes your little body. 

✩ i love that you are my son. i cannot begin to imagine my life without you.

so to you, my boy, on your second birthday.

.a letter to my son.

Day eleven, twelve and thirteen
the August Break.

To my dearest Cameron,

When did this happen? When did you become a little boy?

When did you grow up from the little baby that used to lay in my arms so still and dependent? When did you grow out of your little rompers and cute onesies? When did you lose your chubby little cheeks and when did you lose the folds on your tiny legs? When did your gummy smile become one with a full set of white teeth? When did you become so big that I can't carry you for too long anymore? And when did you not want to be carried anymore? When did you learn how to be so independent at only 22 months old? Your cleverness amazes me and your curiosity overcomes me with pride. Do you see me stare at you, as if to grasp onto time hoping that it would stand still for just one moment? Do you notice how I hug you tightly each night as I put you to bed knowing that the next day you will show me something new that you have learned? I watch you as you continue to learn, continue to grow and wonder when it happened. 

Was it when I blinked my eyes? Or perhaps it happened when I went out for my afternoon meeting? Or maybe it happened when you closed your eyes at the end of your long day and journeyed through your wonderful dreamland?

Oh, my little one. How I wish time would slow down.

14 weeks

5 months

22 months

22 months

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young

                                              

                                              May you grow up to be righteous
                                   May you grow up to be true
                                   May you always know the truth
                                   And see the lights surrounding you
                                   May you always be courageous
                                   Stand upright and be strong
                                    May you stay forever young
                                    Forever young, forever young
                                    May you stay forever young

                                                                                         

                                                                                          May your hands always be busy
                                                                       May your feet always be swift
                                                                       May you have a strong foundation
                                                                       When the winds of changes shift
                                                                       May your heart always be joyful
                                                                       May your song always be sung
                                                                       May you stay forever young
                                                                       Forever young, forever young
                                                                       May you stay forever young

                                                                            

                                                                                                          Bob Dylan.