And now you are one

Dearest Sían, 

You, my darling girl, are one today.

And oh my, how this year flew past. I remember how I was listening to music as I lay on the table while Dr. Lopez carefully pulled you out. Daddy saw you first, with your amazing full head of hair and long legs. And then they gave you to me. And I cried. I cried because you were so tiny. I cried because I waited nine long months for you to come, in fact, I waited my whole life to meet my little girl. I cried because I finally got to see who this little person was moving inside of me. And my baby girl, you were so beautiful. You still are.

Your pixie features captured everyone right away, and all of a sudden this little person grasped everyone around her tiny fingers and you know what?  I think you still do.  You are everyone's ray of sunshine, Síani, and with that smile of yours, you will always be. 

❤ I love that you sleep! Oh my, do you sleep. From the first night, till the next few days, till weeks and months after. And now a year later, your favourite part of bedtime is climbing into that cot of yours. 

❤ I love that you already know what you don't like. You push things away when you don't want something, you cry when you want attention, and you smile when you get what you want. You are so independent but too small to be on her own. I want to treasure this moment for as long as it lasts. 

❤ I love that you are feisty.  One day you still hold that strength in you and stand up for yourself. Don't let anyone take that away from you. 

❤ I love that you love your brother so much. He is the only one who can make you laugh wholeheartedly. He's the only one who gets you so happy that your whole body jumps with excitement. I hope this is the beginning of the most special relationship you will always treasure. 

❤ I love that you are such a happy baby. Even when you are not feeling well or extremely tired, you smile. You smile at everyone, you know? One day, that smile of yours will brighten someones day. I know it always brightens mine. 

❤ I love your little toes. Your little fingers. Your little tummy. Your little button nose. Your little curls. Everything about you I love unconditionally. I wish I could hold onto this past year a little longer. But I know every year will make me love you even more, if that is even possible. My heart feels like it will burst if I love you any more. 

❤ I love your big front teeth and your gapped smile. You have five teeth now. And I love how you scrunch your nose up and show them to me with your silly smile. 

❤ I hate leaving you in the morning. You now make it harder than it has ever been, how you grab hold of my arms so tightly, how you cry as if I'm going to leave you forever, how you look as me as though you will never see me again. It breaks my heart every single day. And I always drive off with my heart dragging behind the car. 

❤  I hate that I miss so much. The year has gone so quickly, but I feel like there has been so much I haven't been there for. Mummy works hard for your future, and I promise you that I will make sure that the time we have is quality over quantity. 

Happy first, my sweet sunshine. To many more years with the brightness that you bring into our lives. 

Grateful

Today I watched parents say goodbye to their boy. I watched them quietly stare at their son lying in a white, shiny casket and all I could do was look away, walk away with a heavy heart. I listened to them speak of their loss, I held my tears back as they shed theirs. I listened to each drowned out word, how every muffled syllable echoed their grief. In a large room with over two hundred people, the silence was deafening. 

Its been a sad day. 

But yet, I rushed home, eager and excited to see my children.  I smiled and my heart skipped a beat when they reached out to welcome me home. I kissed their heads as if I had never kissed them before. I cuddled them till they couldn't breathe. And when I had them in my arms, I held them just that little bit longer. I forget how blessed I am to come home to them at the end of a long day, blessed to read them books at night before bed, blessed to pull the covers over their little bodies and extremely blessed to watch them flutter their little eyes as they sleep. In this time, I realise how lucky I am to have these moments when they've suddenly been stripped from others so drastically.

Who am I to complain about not having enough hours when some people have lost all?

when all of a sudden breathing isn't an option

Over a month since I last blogged. 

Absolutely ridiculous. 

I wish I could say the same about my life. Okay maybe, ridiculous may be the right word.

Ridiculously overwhelming. In a good way. In an amazing way.

 However with this sense of overwhelming excitement  comes non existent breathing space. So non existent, my little one laughed for the first time without me there.  It's a killer, you know, this feeling of guilt. But in as much as my guilt washes over me, showing my children that doing what you love is so important that it overshadows the guilt. Chasing dreams, catching them and relishing in them is something to teach them. Goals, achievement, passion, and  hard work. These are what I want my children to see when they look at me. At the end of the day, as much as my dreams are mine to achieve, they are also for them to aspire to. 

p.s. i've really neglected my little online space. who knows when I'll ever get back up to how it used to be. :(